Heard a good golf joke lately? If so, forward to the Editor and we'll include it on this page. Send it to Jim Brock at expressdocs@earthlink.net.

It Only Hurts When I Laugh..................

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, " It feels great but I still think my thumb's broken."

Christmas Golf.....................

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is home planning the cruise I gave here. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great day for either sex or golf.' and she said, 'Take a sweater'."

Great Mileage.............

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud!

Golfing With Your Wife.........

Pete was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Charlotte, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his downswing, he nailed the ball, hitting Charlotte in the right temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Pete received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.
"Pete, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"
"Yes sir," Pete replied, "that's correct."
"Well, Pete, I also found a large bruise on Charlotte's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes sir," Pete said, "That would have been my mulligan."

Honest, Your Honor.......

A man takes the day off from work and decides to play golf. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting in the fairway. He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away and grabs his 9 iron.
Boom! He hits the ball 10 inches from the cup. He's shocked and says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! a hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the round, he has the best round of his life and asks the frog, "Okay, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas."
They go to Vegas and the guy says, "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, roulette." When they approach the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000 on black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot but after his golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and gets the best room in the casino hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I'm forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves a kiss. With the kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, Your Honor, is how the girl got in my room. So help me God or my name's not William Jefferson Clinton."

"

A gushy reporter asks Jack Nicklaus, "You're spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course....what's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man replies, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft 7 and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray we keep our head down."

An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he play a Mulligan which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?" "We call it hitting 3," the Scot replied.

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes," replies the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know...five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing and hits the ball into a clump of trees. He finds his ball and sees an opening between two trees. Taking out his 3-wood, he takes another mighty swing and the ball hits a tree, bounces back and hits him in the forehead killing him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" To which the man replied, "got here in two, didn't I?"

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with this golf bag at his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her in the eye and replied, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Watch That Cell Phone...............

Several men are in the locker room at the club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free function and answers. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello." WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.....the house we wanted last year is back on the market for $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later. I love you!" MAN: "I love you, too." The man hangs up the phone and the others are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A Good Bargain........................

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and promptly drains the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of you sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along side him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Never Bet With A Priest..............

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes and the second fellow said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for $5 a hole?" The first fellow said he was not much for betting but agreed to the terms. The second fellow won the next 16 holes.

As they walked off the last hole, the second fellow was counting his $80 and confessed that he was the Pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow said he was the Parish Priest. The Pro was embarrassed and offered to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you, keep your winnings." The Pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest replied, "Well you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

Golf balls are like eggs.............they're white...........they're sold by the dozen.............and a week later you have to buy more.

Heard a good golf joke lately? If so, forward to the Editor and we'll include it on this page. Send it to Jim Brock at expressdocs@earthlink.net.